Esiteks, tegu on teemaga, millel ma pikemalt peatuda ei taha.
Kuna tegin ühte välismaa foorumisse selleteemalise sissekande, ei taha ma antud tekstist üle käia ja eesti keelde tõlkida. Lihtsalt ei taha. Seega tekst inglise keeles. Vabandan nende ees, kes antud keelt ei räägi.
So, first thing I want to make clear, I do not want any commiserations because of this. Because I do not deserve nor need them. And I mean it.
On 25 of December,in the age of 77 years, between 2 and 3 o'clock in the night, Edgar Krips, my grandfather from my father's side passed away.
Yesterday we drove to his funeral. He and many other relatives lived in a town that's about 300 kilometres from here.
But you see, i was not sad at his funeral nor before it. I didn't feel much anything but a bit of cold and anger and guilt that I didn't grieve. I simply didn't care so much.
I did not know that man. Really, when I think about him, nothing comes to mind but his face. Nothing what he said, did or was. Nothing about him that I could mourn. I really didn't know him. (that was the thing that made me angry) He lived near a town that was 300 kilometres away. We visited the place in summers, but he didn't talk much and in the last years he moved away to a woman who lived in the town. Oh, and he had also problems with alcohol.
I felt sorry for my aunt and her family (six children, four of them grown-up) who knew grandfather well and were sad and grieving. One cousin who had been very close to him was so devastated that she couldn't look at his body. She made a speech later. (as did quite a number of other people) Judging by her speech, grandfather seemed a good man and I would have liked to know him. But there is nothing to grieve for me besides some possibilities that were impossible anyway.
An image of my grandfather evolved in my head when I listened to the speeches, but what if it was just an image? A figment of my illusion put together wrongly? There is no point of grieving such an image.
And now only a bit of guilt and a slight pain in my arms (because I haven't had much exercise and spadework demanded an effort) and, well... nothing special more remains.
Rahus ilusti puhka, vanaisa, mis sest, et ma sind ei tundnud. Aga teistele: ma ei ole kurb
ja ma ei taha kaastundeavaldusi. Loodetavasti saate te aru.